If there was a ledge, I'd jump

I am getting this close.

Close to jumping off the ledge.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why I suck so badly at dating.

I mean, I really suck at it.

If there were a Golden Globe award for horrible dater, I’d be a nominee for lead actress in a Shitty Dating Dramedy.

And if Dallas were cast as the city for housing the most shallow, douchey men around, it would be accepting the crème de le crème of awards and give an acceptance speech while holding an Oscar.  And then it would get cut off during credits because Dallas just has a reputation of holding an over-inflated opinion of itself.  

Back to my lack of dating skill or the quality of men I've encountered....

The constant interview-like dates.

The fear of rejection.

The actual rejection.

Which, let’s be honest, in the last 12 months has been plentiful.

Not one of the potential suitors I went out with ever panned out.

And not for lack of trying.

I tried.

I delivered.

I showed up with a happy face.

A list of questions and piqued interest.

Intent listening on shallow conversations and still, I swallowed my pride and put on a smile.

A wallet in which I offered to grab the tab incase he expected a lady to be more of a feminist than not.

I just suck at dating.

Or, men just don’t find me the type of girl they want to settle down with.

What does that say about me?

I have an amazing career.  

I’ve thrived in it.

Must be intimidating to them to know that I’ve been the recipient of relocations, promotions, awards, etc. 

I own my own house.

Must be intimidating to them that I can fix a clogged toilet without having to call a landlord.

I volunteer with abused and neglected kids.   

I actually spend time thinking about our future generations and fight for the betterment of kids whose cases I am assigned to.

Must be intimidating to them that I actually love kids.

I rescued 2 dogs and was the benefactor of another who needed a new home because her owners had to relinquish her. 

Must be intimidating to walk into a chic’s house with 3 canines who immediately want to play and love all over you.

I have a Master’s degree.   

And, I earned it while working full-time.

Must be intimidating to them that I actually chose to study rather than binge drink my weekends away.

I’ve found a new church I absolutely love attending.

Must be intimidating to them that I have a relationship with the Lord.

I continue to better my life and find it harder and harder to date.

What does that say about me?

I suppose it means I won’t settle.

I suppose it means I won’t waste my time.

I suppose it means I don’t tolerate douche-bag men.

And this city is swimming with them.

And, I’m caught in that weird stage of being 30-something and people just assuming something is wrong with me because:

1.     I’ve never been married/divorced

2.     I don’t have children

3.     I actually like working and would prefer it to lunching with ladies and playing club tennis every week

4.     Sometimes I do Mensa problems just for the kick of it

I should move. 

To Alaska.