May 1, 2012

If there was a ledge, I'd jump


I am getting this close.
Close to jumping off the ledge.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why I suck so badly at dating.
I mean, I really suck at it.
If there were a Golden Globe award for horrible dater, I’d be a nominee for lead actress in a Shitty Dating Dramedy.

And if Dallas were cast as the city for housing the most shallow, douchey men around, it would be accepting the crème de le crème of awards and give an acceptance speech while holding an Oscar.  And then it would get cut off during credits because Dallas just has a reputation of holding an over-inflated opinion of itself.  

Back to my lack of dating skill or the quality of men I've encountered....

The constant interview-like dates.
The fear of rejection.
The actual rejection.
Which, let’s be honest, in the last 12 months has been plentiful.
Not one of the potential suitors I went out with ever panned out.
And not for lack of trying.
I tried.
I delivered.
I showed up with a happy face.
A list of questions and piqued interest.
Intent listening on shallow conversations and still, I swallowed my pride and put on a smile.
A wallet in which I offered to grab the tab incase he expected a lady to be more of a feminist than not.

I just suck at dating.
Or, men just don’t find me the type of girl they want to settle down with.
What does that say about me?

I have an amazing career.  
I’ve thrived in it.
Must be intimidating to them to know that I’ve been the recipient of relocations, promotions, awards, etc. 

I own my own house.
Must be intimidating to them that I can fix a clogged toilet without having to call a landlord.

I volunteer with abused and neglected kids.   
I actually spend time thinking about our future generations and fight for the betterment of kids whose cases I am assigned to.
Must be intimidating to them that I actually love kids.

I rescued 2 dogs and was the benefactor of another who needed a new home because her owners had to relinquish her. 
Must be intimidating to walk into a chic’s house with 3 canines who immediately want to play and love all over you.

I have a Master’s degree.   
And, I earned it while working full-time.
Must be intimidating to them that I actually chose to study rather than binge drink my weekends away.

I’ve found a new church I absolutely love attending.
Must be intimidating to them that I have a relationship with the Lord.

I continue to better my life and find it harder and harder to date.
What does that say about me?
I suppose it means I won’t settle.
I suppose it means I won’t waste my time.
I suppose it means I don’t tolerate douche-bag men.
And this city is swimming with them.

And, I’m caught in that weird stage of being 30-something and people just assuming something is wrong with me because:
1.     I’ve never been married/divorced
2.     I don’t have children
3.     I actually like working and would prefer it to lunching with ladies and playing club tennis every week
4.     Sometimes I do Mensa problems just for the kick of it

I should move. 
To Alaska.

9 comments:

  1. Girl, it's hard to actually meet nice men...this isn't a reflection of you! So snap out of it!!! You're fabulous and need to own that! Whenever I get low, I remember that the guy I want is the guy who appreciates all the things about me that I think are pretty special and unique. In the meantime, the guys who are intimidated by my success or whatever, would never cut it in the long run!

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  2. Oh gosh. You make moving to Dallas sound really inviting. . . :(

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  3. I live in Dallas so I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I do think Dallas has a high ratio of douche vs. non-douche. Lots of thirty thousand dollar millionaires running around that are too cool for school. I met my husband in Austin so I guess I lucked out but couldn'r imagine where I would meet men if I was single other than church. No luck there?

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  4. Honestly, men are fools. That's about all I can say. But I'd buy you a drink, for sure. You had me at rescuing two dogs.

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  5. Dallas, Boston, Anchorage...douchebags are everywhere. I think I dated for 4 years after my divorce with one 3 months relationship if you want to call it that, before I met my current partner. 4 years. And I had the same thoughts many times, but I always came back to the same: not settling, staying true to myself and it worked....eventually. I always said that there better be something amazing waiting for me at the end of the tunnel, because shit, I waded through the crap long enough.

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  6. I totally hear you. But it's not you. Just keep telling yourself that. Make sure you screen your dates a bit before you go on a date with them. So you don't completely waste your time. And just meet for a coffee initially in case they're douches and you need to leave hellish quick.

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  7. from what you wrote just now it seems like you are a pretty fabulous person! Who wouldn't want to date you?? I have recently been learning to love myself more and part of that is because I recently lost weight. I've gained a bit more confidence in myself (but I'm not conceited or anything) and I am starting to realize that maybe I AM a catch!! Just can't seem to find anyone who thinks so too LOL

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  8. only the douchebags want me, too. I have a real talent for sounding like an idiot, when I message someone I'm interested in, so I'm afraid I'm coming off like the creeps who message me. Although, just saying, "hey sexy," rather than referring to anything I found in their profile, might work on the guys.

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