October 18, 2011

How a corsage could have me end up in the ER

They say penguins mate for life.  Phenomenal.

I’d like to find my penguin simply for the fact that I’d like to refer to someone of the XY chromosome on this blog with a nickname like everyone else does in their blogs.  You know, me writing ‘bout a sig other????  I’ll bet you twenty cents you can guess as to the nickname I would refer to “him” as.  Ok, I’ll up the anti to one whole G-Dub because I’m a bad-ass high roller.

I’d also like to find my penguin simply so I can peruse the men’s wear department and look at all the colorful pastel prints and ties and not feel weird about the fact that I browse the men’s department simply because I like the clothes.  I'd now have reason to buy my penguin a really cute bow tie that is raspberry in color with cute little martini glasses on it.

But, let’s be real.  Basically, the bow tie would just be a means to an invitation to go to some fancy gala and show him off.  But darn it, it would be a balls-to-the-wall awesome bow tie.  BUT!!!!  (and this is a big BUT, not BUTT like yours truly), I would NOT want my penguin to give me a corsage; I hate those things. They just get in the way when I’m on the dance floor popping the Kid-N-Play move (or my recent Zumba techniques).  Plus, they look better on grandmothers and are over-the-top matronly.  And not to mention, I always end up stabbing myself with the pin that secures them (don’t get me started on Homecoming Mums).   And by the end of the night after I’ve been sweating to the oldies on the dance floor, the flowers are always wilted and I’ve lost flower petals.  The skeleton of a crappy corsage always ends up looking like  I am sporting a diseased fungus bouquet that sits just the north of my boobs and it draws attention to the fact that I probably need to invest in a new bra or something.  See what I mean about corsages?  Flowers are to be looked at, not worn.  So basically, I’d like my penguin to wear a cute little bow tie and I would go sans gay-looking corsage and we would dance the night away…at that fancy gala. 

Oh and the band would play at least one Josh Groban slow song just to make the night even gayer.  And because I wouldn’t be wearing a stupid corsage, I would be able to snuggle into my penguin in a slow dance hold and that pin wouldn’t be poking into my chest causing me to bleed all over the dance floor and then some really gorgeous, anorexic Spanx-wearing Dallas blonde in a really expensive dress that she probably put on her credit card and can’t afford but so wanted to wear that Dolce and Gabana gown to the gala would see the blood spewing out of my body and pass out from the horror.   The medics would come and tend to both her and me and we’d leave on stretchers.  Me for a fresh blood transfusion and she’d be on her way to get her stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning and not eating.  All because of a stupid corsage.

Back to penguins.

Do you think penguins ever cheat on their mates?   I hope not.  I've been cheated on before and if these birds can mate for life, I hope they would remain totally committed to each other.

But, if they did have a wandering eye, Two Male Penguins having a convo would go something to the tune of...

XY Penguin 1:            I love my girl bird.  We’ve been partners on this glacier since before the Exxon Valdese spill in '89.

XY Penguin 2 w/ wandering eye:   That’s awesome man.   I was at the Ice Bar last night playing a match of  our national past-time, Curling, with Hank and I saw the most gorgeous female penguin walk in.  I made my way over to hit on her.  She had the most amazing pair of flippers and her name was Birdie.

XY Penguin 1:            Dude, you’re married.

XY Penguin 2:            I know.  But the life back at home is just starting to get too mundane.  You know, wake up to the wifey.  After fishing for breakfast and having coffee with the otters and discussing the tragedies of the BP glitches with the sea lions and then making my way over to mingle with the Polar Bears and then warding off the National Geographic camera crew invading our hood, it all just gets to be EXACT same each day.   Plus, the scenery up here never changes.  This bull-honkey about Global Warming has all of those Gore worshipers falling at his knees.  If’s effing negative a bazillion jillion degrees each day in and day out.  If a warm front would at least blow through I’d be able to defrost my eyelashes for once.

XY Penguin 1:            Speaking of those Nat Geo dudes, have you noticed how pissed the Polar Bears are since the camera crew invaded?   Those bears have gotten crankier in their old age.  But seriously dude, you’re married with kiddos.

XY Penguin 2:            I know,bud.  But, the wife nags and the kids are almost grown and sometimes I think I just need a chance of scenery.

XY Penguin 1:            Dude, we all look the same.  Not to mention with live on ice day in and day out.

XY Penguin 2:            I know.  I mean at least dogs have more variety to choose from, right?  Heard Fido’s after that hot little poodle-lab- yorkie-pitbull designer breed over in Newfoundland.  Not to mention, that tiny teacup little rat bastard chihuahua, Richardo, gets to jump in his master’s purse and shop at Target.  It’s so the in thing to get toted around in some pansy bag and run errands these days.  As if running around in the backyard isn’t good enough any more.

                                        It’s just I thought that lady at the Ice House Bar had a real thing for me.

XY Penguin 1:            Get a grip, man. We penguins are like the royalty of the Animal Kingdom.  You may want a change of scenery, but what other animal gets to dress up in a tux all day, every day? 

And that’s that.  Penguins, corsages and Josh Groban.  And how a corsage could cause me to end up in the ER. 


  1. I bet penguins accidentally cheat - only because everyone looks the same!

    Accidentally kissing (or beaking?) your wife's sister? Yeah. I bet it happens every day there.

  2. Hahaha this is hilarious--one of your best yet, I think. :) I'm still grappling with the whole "mate for life" thing. One day I think it's feasible and I want it, and the next day I'm flooded with cynicism and reminders of the rampant divorce in my family and I'm all F IT.

    As for nicknames . . . count yourself among the lucky. Nothing peeves me more than "hubs" or "hubby"--OMFG. Makes me want to unfollow a blog immediately.

  3. LOL!! Thanks for providing me a good laugh during my work day lol That penguin convo cracked me up!

    You know seahorses mate for life? :) And the male carries the babies. That's why I love them - loyal AND equal :) haha

  4. I trained the HS boyfriend to just bring flowers instead. Corsages are a pain. But random speaking of penguins. Check out this story and ridiculous cuteness: http://animaltracks.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/10/20/8411051-a-good-yarn-knitters-make-sweaters-for-penguins-after-oil-spill

  5. Such a rich imagination, you were the girl who had Barbie & Ken living a life not unlike a soap opera...I was the girl who just had them necking at a drive in night after night :)