I lost my father two months ago.
I've been hesitant to even write about it on this blog because writing about it means he's never going to be on the receiving end of a Friday night phone call. It means I'll never get to see him open a Father's Day card. It means I'll never get to hear him talk about his recent golf game. Or listen to his jokes. Or watch him play with his granddaughter. It means I'll never get to vacation with him again. Or taste one of his famous margaritas. Or ask him about career advice. It means I'll never see him hug my mom again or send me on my way with a kiss on the cheek and the words, "drive safe" fall off his lips as they religiously did all those times I pulled out of his driveway.
The endless hours spent visiting him in the hospital and watching him fight nothing but uphill battles was something I try and erase out of my memory. I want to remember him as a healthy man with the utmost vigor and optimism about life. He never once complained to me about being scared, worried, anxious or sick. He only complained about being cooped up there and wishing he was at home with my mom and their beagle.
I am learning that grieving is an on-going process and the reason we grieve is because we love so hard. The harder the grief the deeper the love.
So what better gift than grief because it means you experienced a bountiful love for someone?
And while my pain is deep and my life feels a bit emptier without him here on this planet, I carry the knowledge that he is omnipresent now in my heart and always near me.
I love you Pops. Always.
I am so sorry to read this. I wish there was something I could say that would ease some of this pain.
ReplyDeleteBut it's so true, grief absolutely means you experienced a bountiful love for someone. I've never heard it put it that way, but that's exactly what it is.
Sending love your way.
Thanks so much for your post. Grief is tough and I think our society expects us to move on shortly after a major loss. It is a process and you just learn to cope.
DeleteI love you and think of you often...I know how much you loved that man and how much you sacrificed to be with him as much as humanly possible. You ARE a wonderful daughter and he passed knowing how much you truly loved him. That's a gift, too.
ReplyDeleteAhh, thanks Jenn. I miss him so much and some days are just tough to get through. But others are full of peace and hope. I know he is with us as I feel his presence. I just want to do my best to carry his legacy with me always and make him proud from up above. Besides, he had the best dose of optimism and I want to learn to be more like that. He was the most tremendous father a girl could ask for. I know you feel the same way about your own Pops. Soak up all the time with your folks and family, but I know you do that already. Hope all is well with you and know I think of you often.
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