January 9, 2013

Voices from boyfriends of past




There are plenty of voices in my head, which are most of the time, competing for my attention and tormenting me with their unruly forces.  Usually the voices are screaming at me to buy the more expensive wine, or go shoe shopping (again) or turn and give that cute guy over there your best glance.  Sometimes they scream at me to not eat the cheese omelet and mimosa for breakfast with a side of bacon goodness and toast with real butter.  Other times they tell me that my slow self is too slow to continue running and that I’ll never see the finish line if I don’t pick my ever-loving-turtle pace up. 

Other voices tell me that I’ve adopted too many dogs and that I can’t save them all.  Or that I take on too many extra curricular activities between my child advocate work and fundraising/training for half marathons raising funds for cancer research.

Of course there the voices that berate me for letting the roots on my hair get way to out of control and looking like Courtney Love on 3-week drug binge.  Let’s not forget the voices that are often louder than the rest that constantly point out the fat cells on my thighs, arms and the dreaded abdomen area.  It’s like I’ve got Carni Wilson all up in there telling me it is okay to eat the damn biscuit with blue cheese and left over cupcakes from hosting my recent holiday party.  It’s not ok, Carni.  It’s just not.

The worst ones are voices of boyfriends past.  Those voices from past boyfriends  who cheated on me gawking and laughing at me knowing that my heart crumbled and left burn marks like acid on a bad pair of 80s jeans.  The voices interfere with how I am treating my current relationship - constantly leaving me feel like the other shoe might come crashing to the floor.  This is the most important relationship I’ve ever experienced and maybe the deepest I’ve ever felt connecting with someone.  Deep…20,000 leagues under the sea deep.

Those unruly voices leave me feeling self critical, with loads of doubt that he really does like me and with suspicions that one day he too will leave.  I’m tired of the chatter inside my noggin and I’m tired of feeling like I’m waiting for tragedy to set it.  I’m going to write all the cruel things that have happened to me in terms of past relationships and burn the shit out of them…now if I just had a fire place inside this tiny home of mine.

Last night he told me he questions if I even need a man in my life and that I might be too busy and independent to accept one.  I’ve heard this from my peers before.  I listened intently to his suggestion and politely disagreed.  Was he foreshadowing to something to come?  Was he questioning us?  He wasn’t, but those voices of doubt kept playing an Olympic-sized game of Ping-Pong in my mind.  It was then I realized that the doubt I have is because I’m letting it happen.  The doubt I have is because I’ve let what past relationship failures continue to live inside me.   The doubt I have is from years of being a cynic and believing that at some point all men would fuck up and leave. 

His statement was infact not one of foreshadowing, but one of his own insecurities.  Can he keep up with someone who’s made a life for herself without being co-dependent upon someone?  Who’s got a job, a mortgage, an amazing circle of friends and a family crazier than the Griswold clan on a road trip.

But, there are men out there who are genuine and care for a woman because they want to commit to HER.
Who promise not to hurt you.
Who promise that they are fond of you.
Who promise that they genuinely like spending time with you.
Who promise that you might be the prettiest girl in the restaurant.
And who mean it.

Everyone needs to find the jelly to their peanut butter.  Everyone needs someone.  And I too need this – for right now.

14 comments:

  1. i like this.
    a job. a mortgage. great friends. a life.
    it cant really be that repelling, can it?
    maybe that it explains it. at least for me.

    rooting for you. :)
    you give me hope :)

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    1. Good! I'm glad that while working on myself to inspire my own hope I can pass it along to others. Keep your head up!!!

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  2. Oh my. Loved this. So loved this because it's me... But it's you and your story. I'm learning to let the past hurts go (such a hard lesson because you almost want to pin some sick twisted badge on your chest that says "look what hell I went through"). Sounds like you've got a good one. And some good communication too. Cheers to the good ones. xo

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    1. Ahh man, we're kindred spirits! I do have a good one, scratch that, a great one...and so do YOU!

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  4. Dear god, I have been right there. After a divorce at 30 and years of dating in the city. Years of shitty disappointment and second guessing and what not. And when I met my man, the one I actually ended up moving to another continent for (well, long story, but he moved from the US first and then I decided that waking up with him every day is pretty vital and I left 1.5 years after he moved;), but when I met him I remember one conversation with a girlfriend. I was just shocked that he was referring to us...US...and WE and making sure his new condo allowed dogs because I had dogs and making sure I liked his new car because he wanted me to drive it whenever I wanted....and I was all "HOLY SHIT. THIS IS STUFF MARRIED PEOPLE DO AND WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE." Seriously. Here I was, always the one wanting a man to commit after too much BS exposure in the world of dating, and I had found a man who was totally happy to commit to me and I freaked.

    Thankfully it got better very quickly thanks to lots of love and doing what you are doing right here:)

    Happy for you!

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    1. Apparently my sentiments are common among us ladies! While I'm glad I am not alone in this, I am sorry it happens more than I care to know with others. Thanks for the post and the insight!

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  5. All this is totally normal--self-doubt, anxiety, dread, all of it. Oh, I remember it well. But I think this one is different, and I'm so excited for you. Also, I want a picture!

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    1. Thanks Claire. I am glad to learn I am not alone in having these freakish thoughts. I just keep telling myself that demons of past are the past and not to be dealt with NOW!

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  6. I love that you've taken a moment to really process what's going on and how all those past hurts could harm this relationship. You BOTH deserve to have a great romance, full of open communication and devoid of harmful preconceptions. I hope you guys continue to talk it out and just enjoy each other.

    Let's chat soon...want to hear more!

    XOXO!

    PS - BlissDom in March!

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    1. Thanks Jen. I am thinking about Blissdom. I'll have to call you and get the scoop on how these blogger conferences work, I'm totally in the dark and hesitant. Talk me into it!

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  7. I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! This is great news! Every relationship has the potential to be an unique story, lesson, and experience. This is different, because he is different. Everyone brings something different to love. Can't wait to hear more! WONDERFUL!

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    1. Thank you for the vote of confidence. You're right...he is different. And I can honestly say this: I have not even one iota settled with him. Not even an ounce. That's a good feeling.

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  8. I can understand where you're coming from. I am that girl who didn't need a man to validate or dictate my existence. Thankfully, James was extremely persistant and patient while attempting to prove to me that he wasn't interested in casual dating just because or the fact that he wasn't going to run just because my family is occassionally obessive and one foot in one foot out of a looney bin. It took months before I even gave him the chance and I spent what could have been some great times being selfish and doubting how genuine he was. Sometimes you just have to take that little leap of faith and put yourself out there. If you don't you keep out the bad, but you also keep out the good. It's a coin toss, but it's worth it.

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