October 19, 2012

Things I’ve given up (this week)

-->Match.com (for the 100th time).
Good Lawd oh Lawd.  Holy Mother of All Douche Bags.  The stint on the site this go-around turned up to be nothing but a hot mess of boys who wear Affliction, live over 50 miles away or still live at home.  I drew awfully tired of the ridiculousness of matches the site would offer me each day in my Daily Match.  The database of douchers kept spitting out men qualifying them with things we share in common limited to (and I am not kidding when I say limited) being the oldest child and love of dogs.  Holy train tracks.  Stop the presses….that’s deep.  Effing deep.  Thanks Match.   Enough is enough.  I can’t handle some guy with 4 kids who still lives with his ex and listed his status as separated.  Come on assholes at Match.com.  Come on.  I live in a metropolis of 2 million people.  You’re telling me the best matches you can conjure up for me smoke a pack a day (but trying to quit), have little education and still live at home (but trying to land on my feet)?  But wait, if they are the oldest child and love dogs, there must be a love connection somewhere. 

So there, go suck and egg Match.  Go suck a friggin big, hairy, smelly E-G-G.

Each day I am reminded of how I spend way too much time at work and cleaning my house given I haven’t delighted in the fancy things to do around my city.  The glorious 5-course meals at some swanky restaurant, the luxe spa specials, airplane jumps and body wrap treatments sound as tremendous as swimming in a pool of white queso, but my check book can’t handle the exploitation of all things fancy given I have to feed a zoo of hungry mutts, financing a 16-seer A/C unit, still paying off student loans for a degree that still has an inch of dust on it because it hasn’t been used in well, ever and a new niece to buy pretty things for.  I just couldn’t handle the torment of fabulous things I am missing out on so I unsubscribed and cried a little.

Ann Taylor/J. Crew/Banana/Anthropologie
I want to thank the marketing directors who approve discounts and offerings to me each day via email reminders to help expand my shit wardrobe, but looking at the current fashion trends and fall clothes reminded me that I’m on an Old Navy budget and well, I’ll need to stick with the 19.99 cargo pants from last fall for another season. 

Time (yeah, I gave up precious friggin’ time)
You might as well turn me in to TLC’s stupid Coupon show or consider me a long lost kin to Honey Boo Boo.  I spent an hour going through coupons this week trying to save $.000001 cent on some cracked-out over-expired box of mac n’ cheese.  I kid, I can’t stand processed dried cheese in a box, but still you catch my drift.  If time really is money I’m pretty sure I wasted a gazill buck-a-roos figuring out how to plot my $2 savings off an $89 grocery bill.  I even downloaded a coupon app for my local g-chain to help my consorted efforts.  Gawd, no wonder no one wants to date me…I’m a dried up old maid.

For a piss-ur-panties-helluva-good-laff, check this out.  
Promise to make you smile and realize your life is so much betta.  You're welcome.



  1. You're not an old maid. Online dating sucks. But you'll find HIM. I know it.

  2. Eff Match.com.

    And the horse it rode in on.

  3. Haha - ever evolving chin. *snorts*

    Match.com can really match you up with some real "winners"!

  4. I've given up everything on your list as well except Match.com since I gave that up after meeting my now-ex husband on the site. Yeah. So anyway...

    Finding a man is easy. Finding a good man is like finding the Holy Grail. I am sure Match has worked for people in finding the love of their lives, but it didn't work for me at all although I did get some great friendships out of having met the ex, people I never would have known otherwise so I count that as a blessing.

    Anyway, finding love is never easy, but it can be done. Since ditching the ex, I've found a wonderful man so there's hope, but it was one of those spontaneous wow didn't expect that kind of things. I wonder sometimes if Match goes in cycles where, depending on the time period, the site has "reasonably decent men, decent men, dregs of society, repeat ad nauseum."

  5. My brother found his wife online and she's wonderful, but the horror stories FAR outweigh the successes. Th lead hiorse so far is my friend that net a guy for lunch and had "Addiction" tattooed across his knuckles. That's right kids! He was a recovering heroin addict!


    I don't know how anyone ca do that. Kudos to you for having the intestinal fortitude to even try!

  6. I'm with you 100% on the Match.com thing. I did it for less than a week and was also "matched" with men because we both liked dogs and were the oldest. Yes, that's all that I need in life. After hearing more and more horror stories from friends and family, I quickly deleted my profile.


  7. It only takes one! I have done match.com on and off for years, for years! I met my current mister on match.com, he lives in another city, but he is the BEST yet. My sissy met her man on match, too. Many of my friends and clients did as well. One person you are seeking. We all have to dodge SEVERAL bullets to get there. I get the break. I took MANY of them. But, when you are ready again, don't rule it out. Life is ALL about timing! Stars will align, I am thinking of your dream while I type this!