I never thought I would be a Singleton dwelling in a household with three animals, all of which have 4 feet and constantly hungry tummies. Thought by this age I’d hear the pitter-patter of feet running to grab my leg and nudge at me for a Popsicle. But, all I hear are the pitter-patter at paws nudging at me to go outside to take a shidookie or beg for chicken liver treats.
Holy shit balls, I might be like that crazy cat lady we all fear. You know her. The slightly large lady who wears her Mumu outside, rollers in her hair (though she never leaves the house), is constantly barefoot and bares nasty cracked feet with a permanent shade of gray on the bottom of them (grossness) and feeds strays. Except, I don’t own a Mumu and the last time I curled my hair with hot rollers I was in the 7th grade and Debbie Gibson had the top hit of the week and jelly shoes were in style. Pedicures are a pretty common monthly expense around here.
Except I don’t have cats.
And never will.
Cats hate me.
Instead I have three slightly sub-par in intelligence dogs. And, one of them is just on loan. Except that he’s been here longer than we all care to recall and we’re not sure he’ll ever get adopted out. I’m his foster mom, but he thinks I am probably his forever mom. The other two canines are pure breeds, show extreme interest during treat/feeding time and would rather sleep the rest of their days away rather than take walks or chase tennis balls in the backyard.
But, if they each had their own iPads, here’s my guess as to what they’d be surfing:
- Lady and the Tramp (they think it is probably puppy porn)
- You Tube videos consisting of topics such as: Ways to annoy master while she’s trying to work, How to Catch and Kill Squirrels in the Backyard
- Chances are they’d probably log onto Food Network.com and look up Paula Deen to see if there are any tips on how to make basic kibble more tasty (sans the diabetes risks).
- They’d probably try out a game or two of Words with Friends but they don’t have many friends, and I’m pretty sure collectively they can only spell words with 3 letters. Forget any words with the letters, X, J or Q. It’d be a short game.
I can almost guarantee sites they would never ever log onto would be:
- Old Yeller off Netflix (they don’t do sad)
See? Lazy ass.
(Turn volume way up for proof).