I have better chances of finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow than I do trying to date here in this big, retarded city of mine. So, if I did frolic through grassy knolls and stumble across a pot of gold, I’d do the following with it.
Host my own personal concert for friends and family. Not that I would sing for them because I can’t carry a tune in a paper bag, and I’d leave their ears permanently bleeding, but I’d invite David Gray or the lead singer from Train for a private concert at my house. Acoustic style no less.
I’d hire one of those fancy chefs from Top Chef (which I’ve never watched because I hate to cook) and I’d invite these people to my dinner party.
I’d buy my grandmother a new Prius. She drives about 10 miles a year and saving the earth one-step at a time, but I bet she’d love the brand new Prius series and why not.
Yeah, this is not my grandma.
But this is. She's gonna kill me.
I’d make sure to visit Chelsea Handler at her house via a private Leer jet and invite myself over for some Belvedere on the rocks. And why wouldn’t she want me? I’d be rich and after two drinks, I’m effing hilarious. Or not. But still…
I’d pay off Nikki Minaj to never, ever perform in the USA again. Seriously.
I’d build a dog sanctuary as huge as the Vatican to ensure that every abused, neglected and rejected dog in the great state of Texas was able to have a home with lots of love, tons of treats and lots of volunteers showering each and every one with attention and kindness.