Letter to my foster dog

Dear Marley,

I’m sorry your former owner named you after that naughty dog from the movie.  You  sort of live up to it though.  Actually, come to think of it, you probably think your name is No.  You sure do hear that word come out of my mouth more times than The Pope does blessings.

I don’t appreciate the fact that you pawed and ripped away at the new wallpaper in the dining room.  You’re lucky I didn’t open the door and let you run away on your own terms.  While I’m pissed off at you, I’m also thankful I have an extra roll of it to repair the massive damage you cost.  I realize your former master never trained you and you just don’t know better.  Patience is virtue.  This is a lesson for me too.

In other naughty news, I wish you’d stop pouncing on The Natives.  While you want to play, they are old and lazy and have no interest in your antics.  I wish you’d take a hint or 1000.  They hate you and retire to hiding under the bed when you are around.  Don’t you get it?

I’m just glad you recently got neutered.  Your constant leg lifting was getting to be obsessive.  Not to mention, you are huge and I’m pretty sure your bladder is the size of a watermelon.  What gives?

What is your obsession with squirrels and barking?  Don’t you realize that the way to catch a squirrel is to sneak up on it?  Your obsessive barking gives you away.  Not to mention, you’ve now proceeded to annoy my neighbors. 

You need to find yourself a forever home.  But not before you attend obedience lessons.  That’s right Mister. You’re so naughty you require professional help. 

I love you.  But, there’s a forever home out there who who’s missing a handsome soul and you’re the perfect fit.  I’m just glad you had a professional photo shoot so that we can better merchandise you.

Peace Out Marley,

Your Tired of Scolding You Foster Mom