August 30, 2011

How to get Houdini'd mid date

A while back in a parallel universe a girl was asked out on a date by a gent with whom she gladly accepted his offer.  Our sweet girl doesn’t much care for dating given the drudgery, bad experiences and unrelenting first interview-style meetings, but had been trying to put herself out there and test the waters in hopes that one day she would fall madly, deeply in love with the right suitor.   She’d heard all about this love thing her friends had been gushing over for years.  She’d dipped her toes in that pond before, but was never ready to take the full plunge, or rather her chosen gents had always been looking in other ponds.     

After a few weeks of communication and long-winded phone conversations the evening had come for our sweet gal to meet this potential gentleman.  Our heroine was nervous to meet this Mister as first impressions are sometimes gut-wrenching and intimidating, but she soon acknowledged the fear of dating was just a means to a possible happy ending so she proudly swallowed her fear and walked confidently into the restaurant. 

And there he was.  At first glance the butterflies in her stomach erupted and a natural smile came about her.  He was handsome, seemingly as charming in person as he had been weeks prior over the tele.  His first hug seemed genuine.  Our sweet gal breathed a massive sigh of relief and gave a silent shout out (and fist bump) to the dating gods thanking them for sending such a witty and adorable gent as she had hoped for.   He politely opened a tab at the bar and so the date had officially began.

A couple of drinks later (in tandem with a couple of trips to the ladies room), our heroine was definitely enjoying the Mister's camaraderie.  The feeling appeared to be very mutual.  Very.

At this point our gal was giddy with delight and was happy to continue the date through dinner. Things were on the up and up and conversation flowed as fast and furious as lava spewing out of a recently erupted volcano.  Better yet, this gent had asked our heroine out on a second date before the last bite had been consumed and seemed to be as engaged in the evening as she was.  Score.

Soon after finishing dinner and approximately two hours and forty-five minutes into the date our gal politely excused herself to the ladies room one last time.   Upon arrival back at their table our gal noticed the Mister was gone. Must have been he had to use the little boy’s room as well?  Or maybe he had to take an emergency work phone call?  Or was around the corner purchasing a dozen roses for our fair gal?  Minutes ticked on and no sign of the Mister.  A sweet little waitress came by to refill the water glasses and ask if everything was okay.  Our gal politely exchanged a bit of conversation and ensured the waitress all was under control.  Twenty minutes later the Mister was still nowhere to be found.  Nowhere.

Our gal didn’t initially realize what had just happened to her.  She continued to sit and wait for the gent to reappear, but he never did.  The bar tender picked up on the scenario and came over to check on our heroine.  He offered to check the restrooms to make sure the Mister wasn’t locked in the potty stall dying of poopy fumage or something.  Nothing.  He checked the patio to make sure he didn’t get caught up on the phone.  Nothing.    Our heroine did what any chic would do.  She called his cellphone.  It went straight to voice mail.  She tried one more time a few minutes later just to make sure.  Again, it went straight to voice mail.  She remarked to herself that it seemed strange that his phone went straight to voice mail given the phone was on and he had at one point checked on a “work text” earlier.  Hmmmph.

The Mister had officially Houdini’d out of the restaurant without any warning, notice or Morse code announcement.  Got sucked into the toilet and washed down the pipes.  Or was abducted by the Mexican drug cartel.  Or aliens.  He had gone.  Vanished.  Evaporated.   Or quickly became part of the witness protection program.  No one knew. 

He had left our poor girl sitting alone at the table.  Alone and devastated.  But not before the waitress offered to run his credit card.  Declined.  She ran it again.  Declined a second time.

But perhaps the gut-wrenching blow to our heroine’s stomach (or ego) of this not-so-fairytale is what the bartender told her soon after.

Bartender:  Are you OK?  I’m sorry this happened to you.

Heroine:  Oh, thanks for asking. I am just fine.  It happens, I suppose.

Bartender:  I’ve seen chics walk out on dudes mid-date, but I’ve never seen a dude walk out on a chic.  Ever.  Wow, I guess there’s a first for everything.

Heroine:  Do I have some sort of gnarly growth on my forehead I can’t see?  Did I shit my pants and not notice the stench?  Is there a reality camera crew coming out to Punk’d me?

BartenderNope.  He just left you.  Simple as that.  You just drew an unlucky straw.

Approximately three hours after she had first met this seemingly decent soul our heroine was left dateless at a table to pick up the check. And so she did, but not without holding her head up high and asking the bartender to walk her to her car.  Because, she wasn’t exactly sure if this Mister might jump out of an alley and try and well, you know…cause a drama-infused scene.

Just before bedtime our heroine continued to reflect upon the evening.  What started off as a fun time quickly erupted into a SITC sitcom episode in which our heroine was the lead actress, though she didn't know it at the time the date commenced.  Except there were no cameras, no actors and no directors.  Just a real girl dealing with a very real situation.

And as she got into bed, our gal decided to give the Mister a one liner to let him know that she wasn’t about to lose her pride over his vanishing act.  So she texted and hoped it stung him.

And two days later he responded.
And then she deleted him out of her phone and life.

The End.

And that my friends is a true story.  Very true.
It took some courage to admit this.
But it happened.
Apparently shit happens. 
To me.

Thank goodness I went on vacation to re-assess my life and cleanse because it was well worth the cost of a luxury resort and the 4-hour spa treatments.


  1. Ummm, is it wrong that I am legitimately sad that I did not discover your blog during my brief stint on I think so. I tried it in an effort to distract myself from a bad break-up. It say the least. Hang in there girl! You have a great sense of humor about the whole thing, and your blog is terrific...I'm a new follower. Can't wait to read more!


  2. OH NO! I am so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you deleted his phone number! Stay strong. That someone is out there somewhere, atleast that is what I keep telling myself. xo

  3. Total thunderdouche. Sorry to hear this but glad you enjoyed Cabo.

    If it is any consolation, he was a brokeass 'ho and you didn't want him anyways. (I had one of these though he did not bail...he just expected some-some after I got shafted with the bill when all of his cards were declined.)

  4. That is six kinds of wrong. I would hate to see the karma this giant douchebag will be fending off his entire life. What an asshat. I am shocked he even responded to your (awesome by the way) text message. I hope he is attacked by wild dogs, but lives to feel the pain.

  5. @ lawfrog..."asshat" = my new fav saying. Replacing ass clown with asshat from now on.

  6. Total asshat, douchebag, scum of the earth. I hope the dating gods strike him down. And I'm sorry this happened! xox

  7. I have no words...when I come to TX next month, let's go egg his house!

  8. Wow, that is the lowest of the low! I am appalled at the men we have available to us.

    I'm starting to think I'll be forever single. And sometimes? That doesn't bother me one bit. Not if I have to put up with that shit.

  9. Girllllll.... I would be having some fun thinking of some revenge plots for this DB. E-mail me if you want some good ideas. It might not make up for his shitty actions, but trust me, it feels good to have the last laugh.
    Muhahaha... (So sinister!) ;) Harmless, really...

  10. Wow, that waitress is a socially inept arse, geez! And the guy. Oh the guy. Well karma is a bitch & so is he. Glad you had some time to re-assess, and it obviously worked otherwise you wouldn't have been brave enough to share this story :)

  11. As horrific as a tale this was, you wrote it with such class and humor! Thanks for that. :)

    This post just proves to me that some men are just irrationally mean. I really--for the life of me--don't understand why this happened to you. If he wanted so badly to leave, he could've done it with much more respect and dignity! Why go through the charade of making you think things were going well and even proposing a second date?! What's the benefit in that?! Does that really make himself feel more like a king and less of a dickhole?!

    And guys wonder why girls sometimes "go psycho" on them: It's BECAUSE of THEM.

  12. If it is any consolation my friend ditched me at the bar last night. I went to the bathroom when I came back she was gone...finally about an hour later I found out she'd left me for a booty call with her ex.

  13. What a douchebag. Why would he do that? Why didn't he just finish the evening? Probably because he didn't want to feel guilty because he's spineless. Chin up.

  14. OMFG. Worse than anything I've endured. The fact that his credit card was declined was perhaps the worst part of the story. Glad you sent him that text message, though, to let him know that he wasn't getting away with this nonsense. Pretty sure there never was more cowardly behavior. RIDICULOUS!

  15. "awesome stealth move.." possibly THE BEST text in the entire Universe. I reckon that horror-date was almost worth enduring just so you could use the best one liner of your life.

  16. Whoa. That may be one of my greatest fears. I once come back to a table after having gone to the bathroom and my date was gone. And there was money on the table for the drinks. I texted..."Did you just leave?" Turns out he was in the bathroom. Whew! and we were going to go to another more fun place. But still. I almost had a heart attack.

    The good news??? Obviously it wasn't you...the dude probably just couldn't afford dinner and (either knew that ahead of time and was just a shitty excuse for a human being) or didn't know and was so mortified (and still a shitty human being) that he panicked and bolted. Oh boys. C'mon now!

  17. I actually can't believe this hasn't happened to me yet. There is always the future.