March 17, 2011

Fighting for me

I ponder. . .  
Has my job gotten in the way of life?

I can’t concentrate on the tasks at hand.   I don’t care about Monday’s production shoot.  I don’t want to lead a 2-hour conference call tomorrow to discuss camera techniques, casting selects and product beauty shot close-ups.  I want to curl up and sleep away the black hole that has been physically present for 3 days now.


I’m buying a house.  By myself.  Alone.  Just me.  No one to fill the second bedroom.  No one to park a car in the garage next to mine.  No swings in the backyard for tots.  No neighbors to greet early in the morning for school carpools.  Just me.

Ten years ago I never thought I would be here.  I never thought my first house buying adventure would be handled with my own thoughts, prejudices and in differences regarding the size of a backyard, type of flooring or garage placement.  I never believed the mortgage payments would come out of my own checking account and not a joint account.  

I always thought I’d have someone to carry me across the front door threshold after receiving the key for the first time.

I know, it’s a bit of a pity party over here tonight.  I’ve got the world in my hands.  The friends others would die for.  A family that is so perfect is amazingly awesome.  Two dogs that rock more than you could ever imagine.  I’m truly blessed.  

I’ve always measured my life against those of my closest peers.  I read their blogs about their new daughter’s birth, the outfits they dressed their kids in for St. Paddy’s Day, the family vacations they take together.   

And I wonder when did I get left behind?

Did my career aspirations get in the away of my personal aspirations?  Are my career aspirations my personal aspirations?  When did everyone else move on and transition their lives between bar hopping 20-somethings to settled down 30-somethings?  When did I miss the train?  
Or did I?

I’ve been unsuccessful at relationships.  I’ve caught myself in some toxic ones that should never have happened.  Every single guy I’ve ever dated seriously has cheated on me.  Every. Single. One.  What does that say about me? 

As I sit here tonight, I reflect upon my past.  I’ve never had a guy truly fight for me.  Truly fight to keep me around.  Truly sacrifice his wants for the betterment of our wants.  Truly throw caution to the wind with me.  I’ve never found someone that would scour the ends of the earth to find me.   I wonder what that feels like.  To know that you have someone fighting for you.  Fighting for the two of you.  Fighting until the end.

So, here I am possibly weeks away from buying a house, alone.  I’ll throw my passion into fixing it up based on my likes.  I’ll debate paint colors till the wee hours of the morning . . . for me.  I’ll throw down wads of cash for new furniture . . . for me.  I’ll make no compromises.  I’ll acquiesce to no one.  I’ll will not have to convert a room to a man cave because he wants a 82-inch mumbo-jumbo-over-the-top-ridiculous-flat screen with surround sound.  Instead, I’ll cook dinner . . . for one.

And please don’t tell me that he’ll come when I least expect it. 

Or that I need to be patient. 

Or that I need to put myself out there more.

Just tell me to pick myself up by my bootstraps, because I will.  I always do.  And, I always seem to come out on top.


  1. Good for you. I was looking at houses this past fall, and was seriously debating buying a piece of property and building a small little cottage on an oceanfront piece of property for me, and a dog (which I didn't have just yet).

    I had resigned my life to be just me, and damnit, I was going to make myself happy if that was how my life was destined to turn out.

    So I think good for you. Make yourself happy. There's no one who can do it for you.

  2. You are seriously one of the most amazing people I know! I am blessed to call you a sista from another mista! The people I feel sorry for are the guys that are going to miss out on the wonderful person you are. Build your dream house and when Mr. Right comes along then you can start over and build it together :)

  3. You know, I'm having the same feelings. It's time for me to buy a house. But you want to know my fear? The market these days, you shouldn't buy a house unless you know you are going to live in it, for sure, for five years. And I'm sitting here thinking, OMG am I still going to be single when I'm 35?! It's a depressing process.

  4. Hellooo
    First off, a short intro. I have been reading your blog for a couple months. I am one of those creepers who just read and do not comment. Mainly because I blog in Spanish but read blogs in English and the language barrier prevents me from making Blog friends. Anyway. I love your blog and I find it super funny and inspiring.

    I am also in the process of buying my first place. I was in a 4 year old relationship with an amazing guy and we were planning to buy a house together where we could watch our cats grow up. Before we bought our dream place, we decided to move in together to save on rent money for the down payment and such.

    It was a shocker when things didn't work. I totally freaked out and starting having doubts about the future of the relationship and if I was ready for this big step or not.

    Clearly boyfriend was not happy with my doubts and wasn't very happy when I told him I needed some time to think about things and define if I was ready. After one month of me 'thinking' and when I was ready to proceed with the home buying plans, he told me he found a new girl and he was leaving me for her. We were still living together at this point

    So, after a couple of months of being depressed and gaining 22 pounds from junk food and alcohol, I moved on. And I am buying a condo for myself and by myself. I am back to being happy for myself and by myself and it is an amazing feeling. You don't need anyone to make you happy. happiness is within.

  5. Ryan - Just had to leave a comment. At first I was thinking of all these inspirational, uplifting things I could say to make you feel 'you're blessed to have what you have, some people will never even be able to afford to own a house, the grass is always greener, a lot of those carpooling moms are miserable, be careful what you wish for, etc.', you know the drill. But instead I'll just say this. My heart broke a little reading this, and if I could change it for you I would. Take care of yourself :)

  6. Good for you. This is awesome and I am one of the jealous.
    I feel like I missed the train too and it sucks. I guess all we can do is pull ourselves up and take each day as it comes.

  7. I'm so touched by everyone's kind words. I was in a mood last night and couldn't get out of my funk. It lingered into the wee hours of the morning when I woke up early to get back to work and start carving away at my career again. I want someone to worry about. I'm tired of worrying about my job. I'd like to focus my attention elsewhere for once. But, I'm so fortunate to have good people commenting on my blog and specifically this post to help kick my spirits into high gear. And Tracy is right - some people can't afford to buy a house. Some people don't have homes. I shouldn't think about the fact that I am doing this alone, but rather be so thankful that I am able to do it at all.


  8. Yes, you are blessed and fortunate, and you realize that, which is the important thing. But it's still okay to want what you want, feel what you feel. We're entitled to want the best life possible, and if you need to sit at home and cry about it one night, I'm okay with that. Maybe I say that because I've done it many times myself...

  9. Oh my gosh, this is exactly how I feel! It's like you were reading my mind as you wrote it. I swear if another person says that "it will come when you least expect it" or "stop looking and it will happen." What does that even mean?

    Good for you and your new house!