Good Lawd oh Lawd.
Holy Mother of All Douche Bags.
The stint on the site this go-around turned up to be nothing but a hot
mess of boys who wear Affliction, live over 50 miles away or still live at
home. I drew awfully tired of the
ridiculousness of matches the site would offer me each day in my Daily Match. The database of douchers kept spitting out
men qualifying them with things we share in common limited to (and I am not
kidding when I say limited)
being the oldest child and love of dogs.
Holy train tracks. Stop the
presses….that’s deep. Effing deep. Thanks Match. Enough is enough. I can’t handle some guy with 4 kids who still lives with his ex and listed his status as
separated. Come on assholes at
Match.com. Come on. I live in a metropolis of 2 million
people. You’re telling me the best
matches you can conjure up for me smoke a pack a day (but trying to quit), have
little education and still live at home (but trying to land on my feet)? But wait, if they are the oldest child and
love dogs, there must be a love connection somewhere.
So there, go suck and egg Match. Go suck a friggin big, hairy, smelly E-G-G.
Groupon.
Each day I am reminded of how I spend way too much time at
work and cleaning my house given I haven’t delighted in the fancy things to do
around my city. The glorious 5-course
meals at some swanky restaurant, the luxe spa specials, airplane jumps and body
wrap treatments sound as tremendous as swimming in a pool of white queso, but
my check book can’t handle the exploitation of all things fancy given I have to
feed a zoo of hungry mutts, financing a 16-seer A/C unit, still paying off
student loans for a degree that still has an inch of dust on it because it
hasn’t been used in well, ever and a new niece to buy pretty things for. I just couldn’t handle the torment of
fabulous things I am missing out on so I unsubscribed and cried a little.
Ann Taylor/J. Crew/Banana/Anthropologie
I want to thank the marketing directors who approve
discounts and offerings to me each day via email reminders to help expand my
shit wardrobe, but looking at the current fashion trends and fall clothes
reminded me that I’m on an Old Navy budget and well, I’ll need to stick with
the 19.99 cargo pants from last fall for another season.
Time (yeah, I gave up
precious friggin’ time)
You might as well turn me in to TLC’s stupid
Coupon show or consider me a long lost kin to Honey Boo Boo. I spent an hour going through coupons this
week trying to save $.000001 cent on some cracked-out over-expired box of mac
n’ cheese. I kid, I can’t stand
processed dried cheese in a box, but still you catch my drift. If time really is money I’m pretty sure I
wasted a gazill buck-a-roos figuring out how to plot my $2 savings off an $89
grocery bill. I even downloaded a coupon
app for my local g-chain to help my consorted efforts. Gawd, no wonder no one wants to date me…I’m a
dried up old maid.
For a piss-ur-panties-helluva-good-laff, check this out.
Promise to make you smile and realize your life is so much betta. You're welcome.
